June 20, 2018 Original Post date 
​CHAMELEON

​Sometimes I wonder if anyone else has spent their lives changing to fit situations and people. I'm feeling happy with this group, sad with that group, strong with another group. Though this is doable when do I just get to do me??


Photo by Andrew Bui on Unsplash
For me, becoming a chameleon has almost become a game. I sometimes test myself. Can I really do this to make this person happy?? Certainly, there is merit to being professional at work, respectful in religious or sacred settings and relaxed in other settings but I mean more changes than those things. I am a free-spirit! I love to laugh and smile and have a jolly good time. I don't drink or smoke (religious and personal reasons). I am also a free thinker. I try to allow others to be that way as well. I don't have to agree or understand entirely. I really believe my job is to love people no matter what our differences are. 

With all of that said, I have been consistently surrounded by people who have to have complete control over me to feel secure. These have not all been men in romantic situations either. I'm just too bright. So, I trim my light. My brightness has to be hidden or at least matched to what they think it "should" be. What does that mean??? "Should be." 

No matter how I try to trim my light, it always seems to find its way back to its original brightness and either it burns the controllers or they step back and let it SHINE!

October 04, 2018 Original Post date

WITS END...

Some time ago, I began to write this post but never completed it. My thoughts have changed as much as can be imagined since this post began. Who knows why I originally came to my wits end but here is today's wits end.

I have many days where I feel as if I am at my wits end. I get overwhelmed by the details of my life. Work, bills, church stuff, and family. I feel stressed over things that I have little to no control over. It’s past time to relax, relate, and release only to pick it all back up again.

I have given up many times in my life. I have a myriad of unrealized dreams. I've just tried something that I perceived to be simpler. Moved on. Pressed forward or so I thought. I keep finding situations that don’t propel me forward. That's my insanity. I've flailed around waiting for, looking for, and asking for HELP. No one believes that I need it. I’ve spent my life spinning my wheels in the shadows of people who placed me under foot. The Bible says that I am "the head not the tail, above and not beneath." So I struggle a LOT to get to a place where I am in proper order. My order does not require that I place anyone else where I’ve been. It just requires that I come forward and stand tall.  Maybe they are right... I don't need help from anyone. Hezekiah Walker wrote a song that simply says, "Jesus is My Help!" Whatever happens in my life I will never ever be able to live comfortably in any sort of bondage. I have a complete history of breaking free and resuming my flailing. So now I'm REALLY breaking free! I remember myself and I am going back to being me. Not some idea that is set in the mind of others.
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I’m a very tired of it and the resistance has begun.

November 19, 2018 Original Post date

TRIGGERS...
​You never know when your going to be triggered...

While minding my own business I find myself in an almost uncontrollable condition in a place where control is the norm. 

January 16, 2019 is my sons birthday. Today is November 19, 2018. I need to move some projects in my task list to January because the client needed to push the project into the first quarter. I pulled up my calendar and inadvertently picked Martin Luther King's actual birthday as the date to follow up. Quickly it dawned on me that my son's 30th birthday is the 16th. I wanted to scream. I finally clearly said "why. "  Growing up we were taught not to question God. I totally meant no disrespect but why am I not loving his children and spending this holiday watching my whole family laugh, talk or even fight. Instead I have a drawing in my bedroom of he and I that my daughter had done for me because the professional photo that we took before his death never got to me. I have a few pieces of his clothing. I have some photos but no Lindsey. Lindsey Stephan Lee is his name. A beautiful child with a calm spirit who was killed for reasons that are completely unknown. He was almost 3 months old. What could he have done? What could I have done? It is still devastating. It is still surreal at times. It is still... 

Triggers can take you to a dark place if you let them. They can be the catalyst that creates positive or negative combustion. The choice again is mine. I choose to trust God and I rest on : 
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Romans 12:19 King James Version (KJV)

​Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

November 22, 2018 - Original post date

 IF HE BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE’LL BRING YOU THROUGH IT!It’s amazing how God works. His awesome ability to provide for me is simply breathtaking. I am reminded of not only who He has been to me in the past but who He is to me now! His provision is unimaginable.

I was telling my mom aka my BFF, just the other day that we don’t always get the big blessings like winning the lottery though He can and occasionally will.  He blesses us consistently with smaller things like a stranger who bought my gas for the week. My God-sister and Her husband buying me dinner when I was not in a good place to spend any money. These things and more are ways that God shows His provisional love. 

I have not expected anything from anyone including God in a long time but that was in err. God is here, there and everywhere that I am. Omnipresent all of the time! I am never left to my own devices. God is with me! I am more thankful of that than can be expressed. I’m his girl!!! He loves ME!

I’m not through my life’s circumstance but I already know that my Father-God knows. Though it is scary for me it’s not a thing for Him. He's not afraid. I'll just hold His hand, like all children who don’t want to get lost. It’s already alright!

Jeremiah 31:3 The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. 

Thanks Father! 

Your girl Val

June 25, 2018 - Original Post date

DEVASTATION
I know that in life there will be sickness, devastation, disappointments, heartache - it's a given. What's not a given is the way you choose to get through it all. If you look hard enough, you can always find the bright side. Rashida Jones

There is a level of devastation that comes when you find out that what you believed is true is not true. You knew that something was wrong and you went through a BUNCH of scenarios trying to figure out what was wrong. You loved yourself.. You hated yourself. Then miraculously... out of the blue ... a major discovery of the truth manifests ... mind you, it is not the whole truth ... but it is enough to be devastating. It can change how you think of what you were told. It changes what you feel and it can really change WHO you ARE. 
This is life. Life is a series of cross-fortunate events. Cross-fortunate  means that in the morning everything is good. In the afternoon everything is bad and at lunch you both laugh and cry . Life makes us act like confused babies. You know, when they laugh and cry at once. 

Life is continually our ultimate challenge. We get one life. We can live it well. We can live it poorly or we can just LIVE IT!

September 28, 2018 Original Post date

​ME TOO?
Photo by Bruce Christianson on Unsplash

So, I've been thinking for several days about all of the #MeToo Movement involved people and the stories of their lives.  I generally don't spend a lot of time on this because it can get depressing. I know how difficult it is to speak about the most vulnerable situations in life. I also understand that the people who are assaulted are victimized and vilified by both same-sex and opposite sex. Re-victimization is real! The attitudes about this go from compassionate to violent and I believe that there is a story behind each reaction.

In my daily life, I am around people who think that since some assaults were so long ago that the victims should not speak about it. I also spend a lot of time resisting the urge to comment. I don't always comment because there are some people that you cannot enlighten so why frustrate yourself.  I don't agree that people shouldn't speak because I realize had the #MeToo movement not become so extremely prevalent, I would have continued to suppress my experiences as well. Pain has no time limit. 

Since my own stories begin at about 7. That earliest encounter is something that I have never really spoken about. Honestly, I suppressed it well into adulthood and I am not sure what happened that brought it back to my memory. To me, there was no point in telling this story. It would devastate a person that I love dearly and I was out of harm's way. I was raped at 13 and everybody in the area knew about it. There was capture, court, and confinement for that person. Then there was an instance at about 17, where a person that I thought I knew well was overly aggressive. Let's not even talk about all of the inappropriate and unsolicited touchings from people who thought that it was okay. 


There were some things that I learned. 

1. As an early adult, I needed to make sure that I carried a gun. Yes, I pulled it a few times. I learned to use it but I was fortunate enough not to have to shoot it. 
2. As I got older, I learned to create an impression that I was a bit crazy and that I was not be messed around with. I still had the gun. I found that I had to pull it less frequently after I changed my demeanor. All of the guys knew that I was locked and loaded and that I did not subscribe to inappropriate behavior. 
3. At my current age, I still get comments from time to time.  People seem more aware of the implications of touching. Though I am gun licensed, I have a taser added to my self-protection. My husband has also taught me some self-defense moves. 

I was hurt and fearful for many years about the trauma that I have experienced in my life's journey and I still have a LOT of trouble trusting people. Sexual assault is not the only assault that leaves one weak. The emotional toll that this has taken along with the financial abuse and verbal abuse and the occasional physical abuse has been a journey to overcome.

This is the final thought. I am thankful that I have been able to forgive the perpetrators who have tried to shut down my life whether it was on purpose or not. I do still struggle to overcome feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression but I understand that it if the devil couldn't get me one way that he has to try another. I am victorious in GOD! The Devil must have missed the "no weapon" day in Bible school. The problem for the devil is that I am absolutely enamored with God. He's done so much for me I cannot tell it all! 

So yeah, #MeToo but I will continue to have no names to spill. I will give no place to the enemy as it relates to stifling my life. I will waste no time glorifying perpetrators only God gets the glory here. 
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#AMEN #GodsGirl  #Delivered #SetFree #Victorious

​The “Fight” is a long-standing journey that can leave us broken into a million little pieces. That journey includes a lot of components. Family and jobs are only the tip of the iceberg. Keeping ourselves balanced is a fight unto itself.  Our challenge is to not lose the fight. We punch, we swing, we sway because we are trying to win. The problem is that the fight is not ours and it is fixed so that God, who’s fight it is, can WIN! Exodus 14:14 The New International Version says it like this “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Have you had, seen or experienced a child who is fighting to keep a dirty nose? As adults we know that is better for the child to have a clean nose. It keeps the congestion down through keeping the airway clear. It also keeps others from being “grossed out” by the overflow of mucus! The kid fights and it takes more time to fight than it does to get the nose clean. It is an unnecessary battle. All the child needed to do is be still. It would take less than a minute. It would be done, and they may even feel better.
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Though our situations are sometimes uncomfortable, there are times when God is waiting for us to “be still.’  The fight is fixed. He’s cleared the way! We must open our eyes, stop struggling to find out that WE WIN!!

Like the bulk of Americans I am concerned with losing weight/getting in shape. I would like to read more, get a great new job, buy a house and live happily ever after but this is my real resolution.

2015 is my year:

• To ignore negativity. There is a negative component to every personality... Some negative thought, idea or perception that people project onto other rather than looking at themselves. The comments like "you can't do that" or "He won't marry you" even the comments like "you are just like your daddy" can be perceived as negative. They can hurt and completely change the direction of your life,
• To stop giving to people and organizations that are not reciprocal. I, like many others, have given so much of myself to the interests of others at the expense of myself and my family. It is simply time to stop. People will leave you without a thank you. That is why it is best to do all things as unto the Lord. He won't take you for granted or ever leave you comfortless.
• To begin to more diligently divert my attention to things that glorify God and uplift my family. When everyone is done with you, the family is left to pick up the pieces. Treasure them because it may be the difference between ,living comfortably at home or living in a nursing home.

Bottom Line
I'm not building up anyone or anything just to be torn down ANYMORE! I've given and I'm done. I live with no regrets... I've tried. My giving will be selective, my initial yes is now a potential no. My heart is open but so are my eyes. People are no longer innocent first, they are suspects. Nobody will take care of you if you don't take care of yourself. No more self sacrifice it's overrated.